Tales of a Girl

In my last post, I talked about submitting my work to more competitive open calls, and that's exactly what I've been doing. I'm still working on the application for the all-women's traveling exhibition. It was difficult at first, but I'm getting used to providing detailed descriptions for each image I'm submitting. It's been SO long since I've had to write extensively about my art (the last time was for my BFA thesis presentation in 2019). I'm certainly out of practice, but I've asked my best friend to review my application. She does not work in the arts nor does she really consume it in that ~art school~ kind of way, so her input is valuable. Along with her superb writing skills, she also offers a perspective that is new and removed from the stuffiness/fluffiness that is so prevalent in the arts. My goal is to ensure my application is concise and easy to understand, and she will help me reach that goal.

(TW: mentions of sexual abuse) Another opportunity I'm considering is an online group exhibition and publication that centers female women's experiences of gender safety and rights. I'm super interested in submitting to this open call, but holy shit it's been a complicated proces emotionally. The main body of work I want to submit is actually an older series of self-portraits I presented for my BFA thesis. Yes, I'm aware it's lame to submit old stuff from college, but since creating that series in 2018 I've had difficult revelations about my own experiences with sexual abuse as a child. In 2021, I went to regular therapy sessions to address a mental breakdown triggered realizing the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. Up until that year, I had blocked out those memories and denied anything ever happened, but my mental health continued to decline, and it seemed to do so exponentially the longer I ignored the signs (e.g., worsening depression, violent recurring dreams, etc.). During this period of denial, I convinced myself to "give my abuser a chance" and maintain a good relationship with him in an attempt to be a "good" person. This only brought me more pain; after meeting him several times, I realized he hasn't changed at all. His personality is still shitty and he is still obsessed with the litle girl I was when he abused me. His perverse nostalgia and fixation on those years of my life repulse me to this day. What infuriates me the most is that he still has albums containing photographs of me; most are tame, but some are glamorized "modeling" shots he took (some of which were taken at a beach or swimming pool). It breaks my heart knowing he sees and looks at me this way; I feel like I don't have control over how my child body is viewed. This is also how I felt about my body in my teenage years (due to inappropriate experirences with older men), and that prompted me to create my thesis project. I did the emotional work to heal from that stage of my life, so realizing this is also happening to my child body feels like a punch in the gut. It's difficult, but this has provided me a greater understanding of myself and the work I created in college. That's why I think it's appropriate to submit it to this open call. Maybe I'll create a new project based on my current turmoil -- still unsure if I'm ready for that.

Updates are still being made to this Neocities site -- I promise. Perhaps I will keep this as a personal blog and safe space for myself. It can include a gallery of photographs I take for fun, a directory of favorite websites, etc. I'm looking forward to continue adding to this site, whatever it may be ♥ It's been extremely therapeutic playing around on Neocities and I'm so grateful it exists. Currently I'm working on compiling my favorite Picrew dressup games hehe.

- Victoria

I've decided to take a new direction and look for this site. It took several weeks of browsing Neocities and Tumblr page themes, but I finally found one I'm happy with ♥

Before, I wanted this site to be my photography portfolio, but after some consideration I decided to buy a proper domain and host it on Github instead. Honestly, I'm still super new to Github and it's all very foreign and intiidating to me, so I've been procrastinating to do anything with my new portfolio site (*sigh*). My boyfriend, being the tech bro he is, has graciously walked me through the process of purchasing a domain and coding fundamentals, but still I dread asking him for help due to my fear of bothering him. I need to get over this mentality soon, I know.

On a brighter note, I've been submitting my work to more competitive open calls. It's tough going against so many talented photographers, and it's equally tough getting my projects rejected repeatedly. But the challenge is good for me; I have to get better somehow. I'm currently working on an application for an all women's traveling exhibition. It's the most arduous application I've encountered so far, but its extensive questions do have a benefit since they provide more opportunities to provide context for the jurors. It's simultaneously exciting and dreadful to complete this application.

Fingers crossed my work gets accepted into more festivals and exhibitions this year. So far, I've only been confirmed to be featured in one publication about religious trauma. More information soon when it's released!

I still have a bunch of work to do for my Neocities site (as well as my portfolio site -- ugh). For now, the pages created for my projects will remain up. I plan to update this site with blog posts at the very least, though!

- Victoria